It’s Mabon. Equionox. Autumn. Call it what you will, I call it the beckoning of the Deep. Last Saturday, I, in the company of my beloveds Linda and Joe, took my father’s ashes out to sea and there released them. The skipper of the vessel rang the bell 8 times to signal the “end of watch”. My heart released all the pent up sorrow for my family as I watched the ashes of my dear dad float away from me…to a deep I cannot yet fathom.
There is an unexpected relief as my own “end of watch” culminates with the ringing of those bells and the kisses upon the petals of the flowers tossed into the sea. I’ve been the custodian of those ashes since 1998. Along with this custodial duty, I also released the burden of toxicity within familial relationships.
No longer do I feel compelled to weave a web of connectivity between the surviving siblings. And that is ok. Bless. And..release. So free. And…lonely too. Yet, the clarity in the lonely-ness is an acknowledgement that I am worthy of love and respect. Especially my own. I will not and cannot accept toxic behaviour. Nor should I be expected to.
The chalice is half full and it is mine to fill it to overflowing with all the joy and good~ness in my heart and soul. Without judgement. Without censure.
I am my father’s daughter. And proud of it.